The worthwhile way to kill yourself
Thoughts on the best way to end your life
Before we get into this, if you are considering suicide, don’t. And if you’re really considering suicide, talk to your neighbour first. They, too, might be considering suicide, and then it could be nice to have a suicide buddy. Or, if you think it’s lame that your neighbour is always copying you - then consider not killing yourself, and instead let them kill themselves, and you can kill yourself another day.
ANYWAY.
I was like you. The gifted-but-talkative kid at school. The one that grandma always said would set the world on fire. You’re old now. Embarrassingly so. Not because your age is embarrassing, but it’s just embarrassing that you’ve done so little. But none of that matters one dot.
If you’ll listen, I have some advice for you on the most worthwhile way to kill yourself.
Smile at the passers-by, even if they don’t smile back. It’s ok that they don’t; they don’t really have all that much to smile about.
Laugh with the laughers, it’s ok; we’re allowed to laugh every once in a while.
Tell your lover you love them, because you do. And they love you with all their heart.
Don’t let the bird song piss you off, even if that cacophonous racket offends your musical sensibility. On that note, listen to new music. The same 10 artists on repeat isn’t doing anybody any favours, least of all the poor souls you live with who have to smile and pretend they aren’t sick of the overplayed “art”.
Criticism isn’t bad, remember that. As long as it’s given without vitriol, it’s given because it wants to help. Listen to it, that’s how you get better.
I would say write more, but you’ve done a great deal of that, so write less. Read more, instead. Your head is already flooded with your own thoughts; let someone else’s in for a change. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but you won’t know what they’re saying if you don’t listen.
The pandemic has affected absolutely every single living thing in one way or another. Be wary of that. It wasn’t made to annoy you; be empathetic, be sympathetic, listen.
Appreciate what you have around you. Appreciate all the things you didn’t do that you rue yourself for now. Know that when opportunities come up again, you should take them.
Don’t let other people guide your life. Selfishness isn’t a bad thing, in and of itself. It’s a bad thing if you misuse it.
Don’t shy away.
Don’t go on a ride that you didn’t sign up for.
Understand what you love and, when you can, support it. Local artists, new businesses, places you frequent, places you don’t. We all need each other to stay alive, so do your bit, help.
Don’t get down because you lost your job, the job you’d had for 3 months after being unemployed for 4; lost and stuck. Don’t get down about that, use it as an excuse to push harder for something you genuinely want.
Give more love to the saxophone. Don’t just do what everyone else does and enjoy it for a solo in a jazz record; seek out more saxophone music; it’s a varied and expressive interest that can stand by itself. You’ll come to know that.
Come to know yourself. You, like a saxophone, can stand by yourself. You can dig your feet into the ground and spread roots, you can give as you receive.
Be someone’s reason to smile. They don’t actually have to smile, but the option is nice.
Share more. Not food, you’re always quite good with that. Share stories, thoughts; ideas. Share your work, don’t write it off, don’t suggest that no-one wants to hear because you haven’t even tried.
Share less. If all you are sharing is surface level thoughts, stories, ideas then don’t bother. I want to get to know you, as do many other people.
Keep your chin up. Literally, it’ll help that niggling back pain that you have. Learn that one bad thing does not define your day. Unless it’s something horrendous and, if it is, I’m sorry. Know that you aren’t broken.
Know that you are wanted. Know that feeling what you feel is ok. It’s ok to let your emotions ebb and flow, crash and drown you. Sometimes it can’t be helped. But know them, when they happen. Remember how you feel, remember that it’s ok.
Stop putting off giving up smoking, smoking won’t give up on giving you up.
Smoke more, it’s your favourite hobby. Don’t let anyone take it away.
In that breath, don’t let anyone belittle your loves. You have put down other people’s infatuations, and others have done it to you. But stop. Let people like what they like.
Interrogate your thoughts routinely. You’ll soon realise that what you thought about something isn’t the case anymore. You’ll realise how much you’ve matured, or how you haven’t. Either way, you’ll know yourself better.
Love yourself, regardless of your flaws.
Understand your flaws, your actual flaws, not what someone else has deemed your flaws.
Know that you don’t have to be your father, you don’t have to be your mother. It’s hard to do, immeasurably; they most likely had the biggest say in who you are. But as an adult, as a living; breathing; thinking creature you can go in the other direction. Reflexive actions are only good if it’s catching a falling jar.
Love yourself more. Love yourself like you are totemic, the most important person in the world. Wear those trousers, the ones you bought that you thought would work but ‘didn’t’. Just wear them, somebody made them.
Be wary of other people’s plights. Know that, even though you think you have the answer to somebody’s problem, your voice will get lost in their uncertainty and just make the issue worse.
Having said that, if somebody asks for your thoughts, give it to them; honestly. Don’t edit yourself. Be apologetic if it’s painful but still be truthful.
Don’t forget birthdays, even if it’s just a simple message.
Don’t forget anniversary’s, unless it’s a couple you don’t care too much for; then forget anniversary’s.
Love yourself.
You’d agree there’s too much pain in the world (and if you don’t then we need to talk) so stop adding to it.
Don’t use the wrong words. Or, if you think you can justify that they are the right words then, again, we need to talk.
Love yourself.
Know that just because you wouldn’t do it, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Know that internal judgment is inescapable, the curse of humanity. Know the judgment, understand it, challenge it.
Love yourself.
Keep smiling at passers-by. One day, one will smile back.
And if you do all that, you’ll have lived a good, long life. Live well, that is the worthwhile way to kill yourself.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you enjoyed it, or want to know what happens next, hit subscribe.
Until next time,
RC Stacey